


Calling Out Sins

by tabulaxrasa



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 11x07: Plush, Canon Compliant, Castiel in the Bunker, M/M, Sharing a Bed, post ep, preslash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-02 11:36:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5246855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabulaxrasa/pseuds/tabulaxrasa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Angels aren't meant to feel things; it breaks them. Dean's not great at feeling things, either. </i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There are a lot of things going on with Cas. Dean finds out what some of them are. They watch movies and fall asleep and even talk a little. Progress is made.</p>
<p>(Takes place immediately after 11x07 "Plush" and has slight spoilers for that. Title from Holy by Pvris)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Calling Out Sins

Dean's in a good mood driving back. They had a good visit with Donna; she's fine; Sam's fine; Sam was terrorized by clowns, which is always funny. Dean's just gonna ignore all that shit Sam said about the cage, because no fucking way, and that's the end of it. They're almost home, and Cas will be there when they get back.

About an hour away he calls Cas to update him (and a little bit to check that he's still there). Dean figured out a long time ago he's happiest when he knows where his family is, preferably when they're in his line of sight: he's got Sam next to him and Cas in the bunker and…that's all Dean's got, really.

_Mine,_ he thinks happily as he pulls up in front of the hobbit door on the front of the batcave. _Mine,_ he pats Baby, thanking her for a job well done. _Mine,_ as he lets Sam go in front of him, down the stairs, and Dean surveys the now-familiar interior. _Mine,_ he thinks as Cas wanders in to greet them, looking rumpled and not particularly well-rested but glad they're home.

_Stop it,_ Dean tells himself, very firmly, because he's been over this and through this, and that's not the way this goes. _This_ being his life. Winchesters don't get to have nice things, or things they want, or, often, things they need. Cas being around so much was always going to leave Dean's walls threatened, and Dean's tried to build them up high and thick. A pre-emptive strike.

Cas is staying longer than usual, but he's going to leave. Cas always comes back, yes, but he always leaves, too.

Dean went through a point where he admitted to himself that Cas was It for him, Cas was The One, and then he went through a point where he realized it was never going to happen, because angels don't work that way and he fucked up so badly when Cas was human he didn't deserve him, and…it's never going to happen. Dean knows that, he does. 

Angels aren't meant to feel things; it breaks them. Dean knows this. He figured it out a long time ago. Dean's not great at feeling things, either. He knows Cas loves him, too, but Cas doesn't know what it is, or can't handle it, or it's not the same, or…angels aren't meant to feel, and it's broken him, and now they're both stuck. Dean reminds himself of this. A lot.

It's just that Cas is around all the time now, and it doesn't help, when he greets them at the door, or Dean wanders into the library to find Sam and Cas buried in books together, or when they all get into long involved discussions about Game of Thrones, or when Cas hovers in the kitchen and watches Dean cook for no reason. Cas is just…there, and Dean has to remind himself, forcefully, that it's all still temporary. Heaven will call, or The Darkness will kill them all, or Dean will fuck it up somehow. Cas looks pretty miserable most of the time; that helps Dean remember.

"Did everything go ok?" Cas is asking. "You caught the entity responsible?"

Sam is answering, thankfully, so Dean just waits for an opening and adds: "And Sam got to see some clowns!"

Sam shoots him a look of actual loathing, which makes Dean grin. Cas is looking between them, but it's mild curiosity at best.

"Neither of you were injured?" Cas asks.

"Not a scratch," Dean says.

"Dean got choked a couple times," Sam says, in revenge, "but he can still talk. Lucky us."

Cas looks concerned and takes a step toward Dean, but Dean backs away. "I'm totally fine, dude, seriously."

For some reason Cas doesn't look any better. "So there's nothing I can do?"

"Nah," Dean says.

And Cas nods, in a 'that's what I expected' way, and turns and shuffles down the hall.

Dean looks at Sam, who's already looking at him. "What the hell?" Sam mouths.

Dean shrugs, feeling helpless, and like all the lightness from earlier has been crushed out again. Story of his life.

"You should try to talk to him," Sam says.

"I have tried—"

"Actual talk, instead of shouting."

"Why me? Why don't you talk to him?" 

Sam does what Dean knew he would do, and gives Dean the You-KNOW-Why bitchface. Dean scowls back. Cas is like a brother to Sam, too. They are friends, too, even best friends, because it's not like there's a lot of other candidates running around.

But Sam doesn't try to drink himself to death when he thinks Cas is dead, and it's not Sam Cas keeps giving up Heaven for. And that's why.

Dean knocks on the door of Cas's room but he's already pushing the door open by the time Cas gets around to responding.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing," Cas says.

So. Off to a great start.

Dean doesn't know what to do with his hands. Cas returns his eyes to the tv, but his attention is still on Dean, Dean can feel it.

"So," Dean tries to lean against the wall and it's a little farther away than he thought. Fuck his life, seriously. "So," he tries again, "Sam's being a whiny bitch and wants his tv back so he can watch some chick flick on it." That was for throwing Dean under the bus by telling Cas about the strangulation attempts. "So you wanna come watch a real movie with me? You can pick."

Now Cas looks guilty because dammit, Dean can't do anything right. "Of course Sam can have his tv back," Cas says, getting ungracefully to his feet. There's a smile tugging at Dean's mouth that he has to look down to hide. "I shouldn't have kept it so long—"

"No dude, it's fine—"

"I'll just move it back—"

"No, it's ok, he can just—"

"It's easier if I—"

Now they're both sort of tugging at the tv, which is fucking stupid, and Sam will kill them if they break it.

"Look, just leave it—" Dean tries.

"Dammit, Dean, I can do it!" Cas shouts, and Dean's so surprised he takes a step back.

Now Cas looks away, hunching in on himself, looking even more miserable and guilty. Fuck, this has gone all to hell. Dean swallows a groan and runs his hand over his face. Now Cas thinks Dean was _scared_ of him or something, which is pure bullshit. And Dean is in love with this fucking idiot.

"Ok," Dean sighs. "Why don't you get the tv and move it to Sam's room." Cas seems appeased by this. Dean forces himself not to help, and Cas picks up the tv like Dean might pick up a laptop, except more awkwardly because of the size. And ok, it is kind of hot, watching Cas do shit like this.

Dean holds the doors for him— luckily Sam isn't around to mess up Dean's plan by asking questions like "Why are you moving the tv?" and they get the tv back in Sam's room without incident.

Dean already moved the laptop into his room so they go straight there. "What do you wanna watch?" Dean asks, going for light- hearted and cheerful. He doesn't think he gets there but Cas doesn't seem to notice. Cas just shrugs and drifts over to far side of the room.

"I don't really care. Whatever you want is fine."

Dean bites his tongue, bites down a sigh. "Let's watch _It,_ " he says. "That way when Sam gets bored because his movie sucks he won't come bother us."

Sam won't bother them, though, because even if he hadn't been the one who sent Dean to talk to Cas, Sam has been doing a lot of stuff like backing out of the room quickly if Dean and Cas are both in it, as if Sam is interrupting something. Sam hasn't interrupted anything. Sam is an asshole, but he's trying to be a good brother.

Cas doesn't care one way or the other, but he comes and sits next to Dean on the bed. Dean doesn't think about that, not all through the movie, not all through the next one.

Dean doesn't talk to Cas either, not really, because Cas is just not in a talking mood and Dean isn't either, really, and what Sam doesn't understand is that this okay too, the two of them together being quiet. It doesn't feel terrible, anyway.

 

Dean wakes slowly, warm and easy, and then becomes aware something is watching him. He freezes and must visibly tense, because the next thing that happens is the familiar deep grumble: "It's just me."

Dean opens his eyes. Cas is staring right back at him but the angle is strange, and Dean tries to subtly check and yep, still on his bed. He remembers they were watching a movie last night. This does not actually make Dean relax. He has to clear his throat to speak. "Uh, I thought we were past this?" He raises an eyebrow a little. What bothers him is how little this situation bothers him.

Cas frowns a little and looks away, which is an enormous tell. "I…fell asleep. I only woke up a moment ago."

Dean pushes himself up on an elbow. "What do you mean you fell asleep? Are you okay? Did something—"

Cas shrugs, but he still looks troubled. "I don't know. I felt tired, but… I don't remember the last time I didn't feel tired."

Dean huffs, lets his head find his pillow again. "Yeah, man, I know that feel." He scowls at Cas. "Have you been sleeping on the regular?"

Cas does another little Cas-shrug, which is really mostly his face. "I didn't think so, but…I'm not sure I would know."

Deans sighs, long and not quiet, and shuts his eyes again. He suddenly remembers that last night he'd been thinking about reaching over and touching Cas's hand, but he was dozing off and has no idea if he did it or not. Cas's hands are currently folded across his stomach, but they're gripping each other tightly, not resting.

Dean looks up and meets Cas's eyes and that feels so normal he can't quite let it go. He doesn't know how long they lay there, staring at each other.

"I don't think I'm really an angel anymore," Cas whispers, finally, finally. And then he adds: "I don't think I want to be." 

It's like a dam broke somewhere, in Dean as well as Cas. Dean holds still, a maelstrom inside him, but Cas can out-wait anyone, and Dean says, whispering back, "You don't want to be an angel?"

Cas shakes his head. It's just a tiny bit, but it's like the world is swirling around him, not just inside. Dean's _lying down_ and he's light headed.

"Oh," he says, because he's also a fucking idiot. He tries again, but it's not much better. "You want to Fall?"

Cas shrugs. Dean thinks he won't say anything, but then Cas says "I don't know. Being human…wouldn't be worse than this, anyway. And I'm already useless."

Dean knows that look of self-loathing, knows who Cas learned it from, but things are finally making sense, or at least some things. "You're not useless," he says, too rough. "You've never been useless, okay? And…Jesus, Cas, we don't want you around because you're useful, okay? That's not… that's not how it works. It doesn't matter. What you are, I mean. You don't have to be a hunter or an angel or… anything, okay?"

Cas meets his eyes again, and there's a sort of terrified hope in his eyes that makes Dean want to punch himself in the face repeatedly. "Would you be happy not being an angel? Being human?"

Cas frowns slightly; he is taking the question seriously, even though he's obviously been thinking about this a lot. "I think so. Or at least…better. Better than this."

Dean does his best to ignore all the thoughts flying around his head, ignores the way his heart is jackrabbiting in his chest. "That's all we want, man." He stops, licks his lips. Cas is being brave. Dean should meet him. "That's all…I want. I just want you to be happy."

Now they're back to staring, but Dean doesn't mind. There are jagged pieces inside him that smooth down when he looks at Cas like this. 

_Mine?_ that pitiful voice inside him that he's never quite managed to kill, no matter how much he tried, asks. Pleads. _Mine?_

That's not what it means, how it works, Deans reminds himself, but the usual sternness is lacking. If Cas is human…then maybe he really will stay. 

_And then what?_ Dark thoughts, even more familiar. What, then they get married and live happily ever after? Dean's never been able to sell himself on that, either. Cas being human would mean that _everything_ could kill him. And it doesn't mean he couldn't just leave.

_I just want you to_ stay, Dean thinks, and he must think it too hard, or too loud, because Cas blinks. 

"I _will_ stay," Cas says, with a touch of a frown. "Angel or not. I want to stay. Heaven doesn't want me and…I'm done. I'm just…done with them." He looks exhausted again, and Dean respects that, because this is no small thing. "I'll stay," Cas says, and it sounds final, "unless you ask me to leave."

"I wouldn't," Dean says, before he can stop himself, winces at his own words. _Remember that time I brought you home and broke your heart?_ "I won't. I didn't want…I never _wanted_ you to go. You know that, right?"

"Yes," Cas says, and his face is kinder than Dean deserves. "And I forgave you long ago. We forgive each other everything, don't we?"

"Yeah," Dean says. "Yes. Always," he smiles. "Everything."

Cas even smiles back. Dean is in love with this fucking idiot.

Everything else they may or may not have to say can wait, because this has already been a lot for a morning before coffee, and there's too much swirling around in Dean right now, and they're going to need some processing time. 

Whatever's going to happen will happen. Maybe nothing will happen. Dean looks at Cas again, and Cas is still staring at him. Ok, Dean concedes, whatever happens is not going to be _nothing._

But it's also not going to be today.

Dean's not going to go crazy with hope here— he's been down this road before, when he thought things were possible, twice at least, and life intervened. Cas ditching him for angel things, Dean throwing Cas out. But they always end up back here, and maybe that does mean something.

"You really want to be human?" Dean asks.

"Yes." Cas does not look away.

Cas will feel useless. He'll get hungry and cold and sick. But he'll eat food and sleep and feel things the same way Dean does. He won't have to be pulled in two directions anymore. And Dean will keep coming home to Cas, and that's…already more than he ever thought he'd have.


End file.
